Reviving a passion

The first hints that I had that writing was more to me than something I did to get good grades at school when I saw how much joy I gained from writing long love letters to Kathryn, my first girlfriend. In late1988, with Year 12 having ended, along with that relationship which I had allowed to flicker out, I spent many hours writing in my diary. It was a long piece about how I was and who I wanted to be. It's a piece of surprising maturity, I knew even then that a wife and family was going to be very important to me and that the type of person that I would share my life with mattered far more than her looks or accomplishments. I look back on it and realise I did not fail myself on that front, once I finally developed the nerve to play the game instead of spectate. My 18 year old self would have been very pleased to know that he would one day have a wife like Kristy and a daughter like Cassie.

What I remember most, though, is how I felt while I was writing it. It was empowering, I was burning with excitement and power, it was a creative flame erupting inside me. The joy of the moment was such that I found myself diverging from my thoughts to record that "I am writing brilliantly at the moment." A quarter century on, I look back at that night and realise just how truthful I was being. I *was* brilliant. Writing was seducing me that night, inviting me to be her lover, to seek her rewards, to take a journey with her. Writing was showing me what was possible and asking me to give myself over to her. She was asking me to commit to her with my heart and soul.

But we know about young men and commitment. Writing, like any true lover, expects much of you in return for stoking that flame inside you. She has her expectations. And her tests. I took the road more travelled by. I refused the temptation. I read obsessively but wrote only sporadically. The fire of that night faded to embers, periodically stoked by an email or a travelogue or a journal post, powerfully written but just a monologue. 

I failed the test. Writing has been a path that I refused to take even though it beckoned to me. I denied who I was and I have kept right on denying it. Not the first time in my life that happened! I would not accept who I was. I wouldn't accept that failure was part of the equation, that one could give everything to a passion and come up with very little to show for it. I never realised that it is the journey that matters, not the destination.

And so here I am, making restitution to my younger self at the keyboard. Can one resurrect a failed love affair? Is it too late to become the person you always wanted to be? 

Who am I now? I am a husband. I am a father. I am an educator. I am a learner. I am a reader. I am a chess player. I am a man trying to live a life that's closer to his dreams.

Along with those things, I am a writer. It's been a terribly private journey, with so much of my writing aimed at an audience of one. That is the thing I seek to change about my writing. I shall continue to write and I shall seek an audience for my writings. I have so much that I want to say and I am going to say it. There are stories I want to tell, there are ideas I want to explore, there are passions and beliefs I want to share. I want to think of this piece when my life ebbs away and know that I didn't pass up the opportunity a second time, that I took the time to pursue my lone creative passion!

I hope you will join me on this path and that my passion for writing will liven up your day from time to time. 

Dear Kristy: This is what the people in your life think of you.

I initially wrote this as part of a speech to read out to Kristy on her 40th birthday, but the opportunity to have speeches didn't present itself at that wonderful evening! I felt that I wanted to surprise her with this post, so I've just kept it quietly here, waiting for the chance to spring it upon her. Well, she's collapsed on the bed asleep after another long day at work, so I think that this qualifies as a time when she will be surprised to see a post extolling her many virtues appear. Also, there's been too many horrible events lately and we need an antidote to all that pain and anguish.

Looking at the outpourings of compliments that have accompanied Gough Whitlam into his grave, it occurs to me that too often we wait until someone who is dear to us has gone before we express how we feel about them.

I don't want Kristy to have that experience, so I took the opportunity to contact many of her friends , family and colleagues and asked them to to share some of their thoughts about what makes Kristy special and what they appreciate about her.

The response was wonderful! Thanks to all who sent something! It's been a privilege and a pleasure to read these little missives, and to discover that other people see in Kristy the wonderful things that Cassie and I see in her.

I'm not going to identify the people that I am quoting although I think they will recognise themselves and I expect Kristy will usually know who has said what :)

I have edited people's comments lightly, one advantage of writing a blog post instead of giving a speech was that I could quote extensively whereas for the speech I had simply selected some representative quotes.

Kristy, here are some of the thoughts of the people in your life:

"When I first met dear Kristy, I thought she had no sense of humour and was unable to get on with the general public, but having seen beyond the facade I have seen Kristy the compassionate, the loyalist, the team player who never bad mouths others or lies and  actually possesses a very warped sense of humour. Seeing these qualities helps me forget my anger as she hangs up on me routinely! I salute you Kristy with your charms *and* your shortcomings."

"Kristy has a lovely heart, a little tough on the outside but soft on the inside, a true friend."

" Kristy, you have a big personality in a quiet way, I love your no bull approach. You're interesting, smart, great to talk to and all round great company!"

" I like the love you put into the food you cook." 

"Kristy, you are a kind and generous person with a big heart. You are a loyal and caring person to family and friends alike."

" You're there to help without even needing to be asked."

"Kristy's a great friend and I value her very much, she's always been fun to be around - being a fellow geek girl we've headed off for adventures, sci-fi conventions and yum-cha. She shows her care and love for others and how she values her friends and family through all the organising of things that she does, whether it's craft days, parties or Games Nights. I think she throws herself into everything she does - hardworking wife, mother, Mum, Aunty, friend and gardener." 

"You put so much love and generosity into the food that you cook for people. I love and appreciate your cooking"

"Kristy makes an awesome meatloaf."

"She's just a very thoughtful, caring, person."

"She's caring, creative, friendly and well, I just love it when she takes care of me and takes me to yum cha!"

"She's a very loving person who takes me to fun places!" 

"Kristy is a beautiful soul, she is extremely kind and often puts others ahead of herself, she's hardworking and does everything she can to support her family. A loving and supportive sister, she's always been there to help without being asked, she shows her generosity with her yummy 'care packages' that the whole family have loved!"

"Kristy's kind and a great mother, I am proud of the way she works hard to help with the life of her family. She has a good sense of humour and she's loyal, always was. She's very forgiving when things go wrong and I love her to bits!"

 "You are hard working and very determined, when you get an idea you won't give up until you achieve your goal. She always gives 100 percent to commitment, I couldn't be any prouder of her and I love her with all my heart. She deserves the best."

It wasn't all bouquets my love, your occasional willingness to call a spade a bloody shovel was noted, but your willingness to stand up for yourself and the true softness that lies beneath was noted too.

On the other hand, one of my friends felt that he missed a real opportunity when he didn't go after you! He never had a chance anyway, I'd have done anything to win your love! 

These are the words of those who know you best and love you for who you are, because who you are is so much. It is, indeed,  more than enough.

Kristy, the day you sent me that RSVP kiss was the dividing day in my life, separating my life into BK (Before Kristy) and AK (After Kristy). AK has been the most wonderful time of my life.

The moment I saw your profile, I knew that if you were who you said you were, then there was real potential there. I didn't know then, but do now, that you are remarkably free from artifice or pretense. What you see is what you get. Which is fairly true of me too, but even more so of you. I'd looked at thousands of profiles over the years on RSVP and dated many women from it. Yours was the first profile I ever sent to my closest friends, telling them this one looked really good. Sometimes you can just tell. 6 months later we were engaged and Cassie, unbeknown to us, was on the way.

 I feel privileged that I get to spend part of every day with you, I feel joy to know that of all the people in the world, it's my bed that you choose to share.  I know that someone there loves me for who I am and loves me unconditionally.

Kristy, I love how you make me laugh, I am thankful for how tolerant you are of my many foibles and flaws, I love seeing you express your love for Cassie and watching how excited she is when she's spending time with Mummy.

I appreciate you for keeping an ear open when I go into one of my rambling raves and just have to have an ear to bash! I bore you often, yet I find out later that you have invariably listened to my rants and thought about them too. I'm thankful for how you support me and believe in me, that can make all the difference.

You've got the most wonderful hands, very soft, smooth,  warm and I love them. We hold hands when we walk together and I feel a little thrill when I hear you at the door after your day's work.

I like it when you're in your creative moods and making things, I think you're at your best when you're doing things. You like to keep busy and you have certainly succeeded at that. Cassie loves spending time with you, and so do I!  I love how we like to be close to each other even when we're both doing our own thing. My computer will always be in the loungeroom because I want to be close to you, not hiding away from you.

I respect you for your willingness to discuss issues and to work on our relationship every day. Making our relationship work every day has been a big priority for both of us and is, I think, a big part of the reason why we are happy together. Living with you continues to be an experience that makes my life better and more enjoyable than it was before, you give me space to be myself and to relax and you rarely try to control or change me.

Nevertheless, you have changed me, I think I am more sensitive and understanding than I was when we started.  I am certainly more content in myself and confident in myself. That's what having the love of a good woman has done for me. You are, and always will be, my good woman and I love you very much.

Happy Birthday Kristy! 

Your loving husband,

Lindsay

Kristy and Lindsay see Queen with Adam Lambert!

The wonderful Kristy has always been a  big Queen fan. Once I told her that Queen were touring with Adam Lambert there was never any doubt about whether or not we would be going, I'll concede I had some concerns about the $160 price tag but these were brushed aside! So, last night was spent at Allphones Arena or whatever it's called these days at Homebush, watching Brian May, Roger Taylor, Adam Lambert and a group of other musicians perform from the Queen catalogue. The boys are certainly respecting John Deacon's retirement as he was never mentioned. Freddie, of course, was mentioned quite often.

One might think that holding a QUEEN concert without Freddie Mercury is a bit of a stretch and that's a legitimate view. As Adam Lambert put it, one does have to "suspend one's disbelief." Lambert made that a pretty easy job. He's got a superb voice, which easily hits all the high notes that Freddie's left for him. He's bold on stage, campy,  delightfully gay and thus makes an excellent fit with Queen. He made some nods towards Freddy without pretending to be anything other than Adam Lambert. Lambert performed with Queen during his American Idol season and clearly made an impression on Taylor and May. His version of Killer Queen was especially wicked. I found that he occasionally got drowned out by the loudness of the band but that might just be a personal quibble.

There was a long session in the middle of the concert where Adam was off stage and Brian May and Roger Taylor tried to carry the concert on their own, with a series of solos and a few songs where they took the microphone. While I found myself in awe of their technical skills, both clearly remaining at the summit of their profession, as entertainment it paled a little. I think had they shrunk that session considerably and kept Lambert out the front it would have worked better. Why on earth would you hire a voice like that and leave it in the dressing room?!

The technical proficiency of the concert was consistently in evidence, the light were blinding, the sound was explosive yet very clear, these were professional entertainers who knew what they were doing. But the hits were so loud and that reduced the ability of the audience to involve themselves in the singing - despite Queen possessing an almost unmatchable catalogue of concert ready singalong anthems!  Maybe it works better in the stadiums where there's more audience members to push back against the loudness. So, for me, that was a bit of a letdown.

Overall though, it was a strong concert. It was great to see Roger Taylor and Dr Brian May looking so happy and enjoying themselves dusting off the Queen catalogue. They're so good that I'd quite like it if they drag John Deacon out of retirement, pull Adam Lambert into a studio with them and have a crack at making some new music. Just as Dr May found he had unfinished business with his Phd thesis and finished it off, possibly there's some unfinished musical business too.

Kristy had a great time, she resisted the lure of the overpriced T-shirts but the power of the program was not to be denied - $35 later she had her souvenir of the evening! She was thrilled and that was the point of the evening.

Lindsay's Movie of the Week: Field of Dreams: A 25th Anniversary Retrospective.

 Field of Dreams was my brother Peter's favourite film. Peter is notorious amongst the brothers for being a sucker for any film that has a boat or plane in it and consequently his opinion of films doesn't always get a lot of respect from his 3 younger brothers. Thus his high opinion of Field of Dreams didn't exactly have me rushing to borrow the VCR off him. It was baseball and I didn't really like baseball, and I certainly didn't like Kevin Costner. Several years later, possibly many years later, in a period of extreme boredom in those pre-Internet days, I finally decided to borrow the VCR off him.

It turned out that I was enchanted.  Kevin Costner was engaging and charming, ideal for the role, Amy Madigan was superb, James Earl Jones was strong and dynamic, Burt Lancaster's brief appearance was a show-stealer, the acting was flawless, the music accompanied the story so beautifully. What really enchanted me wasn't the acting, it was the quality of the story and the film. This was a film that was willing to take chances, that was willing to treat the journey of the heart seriously. A film that was prepared to say that dreams matter, and that those dreams can be very personal and not world shattering. As someone who didn't have a great relationship with his own father, the ending held  special power for me.

Watching it again, I found the movie was, if anything, even more powerful. Burt Lancaster's scenes strike home to an older man,  I can look at moments in my own life where I didn't realise that it was one of the "most significant moments of my life" that was happening. Kristy's first RSVP contact with me, waiting for the results of the pregnancy test, my life has changed and Field of Dreams is very honest about change.

 I look at the relationship the couple had in the film and identify with it - I think Kristy would let me build that field, her support of me is strong, even when she may not agree with me. I'd always wanted to be a good father. Now that I am one, that desire to get it right, to have a better relationship with my children than I had with my father is even more pervasive.

My copy of the DVD includes a wonderful documentary about the making of the film and I have found the documentary to be almost as watchable as the film itself. Discovering that the director and script adapter Phil Alden Robinson found the whole process of making the film to be incredibly stressful and that despite its success, he's carefully avoided making films subsequently adds nuance to the tale being told.

Discovering that it took years to make because most studios were understandably concerned that a film of this nature wouldn't work at the box office, that the part of Terrence Mann was specifically written for James Earl Jones, that tourists have visited the movie site in Iowa from 1990 to this day, that all the cast members seemed to remember the film with much greater affection than an ordinary film simply adds to one's affections for this great film.

The coup de grace was was the revelation that the character of Moonlight Graham was closely based on the real Moonlight Graham, who truly only played one innings of 1 Major League Baseball game before retiring to become a beloved doctor in Chisholm, Minnesota. Would that man have ever imagined, when taking time out to watch a Burt Lancaster film, that he was watching a man who would one day portray him?!

Field of Dreams continues to be a film that moves me and I can only agree with Timothy Busfield who pointed out that there are very few films that move men in the way that this film does. The Shawshank Redemption comes to mind, but it's a rare thing. It's that ability to tug my heartstrings that has made Field of Dreams one of my favourite films of all time.10/10.